I struggle with socializing. The only people I can really socialize with is my teacher or my friend. Sometimes it’s hard to even socialize with my friend or teacher. I try to think of something to talk about, but usually, I can’t come up with anything, or I have already talked about a specific thing with my friend or teacher before.
In addition to being Autistic, I have social anxiety. This can make it hard to socialize because I don’t want to look “stupid” or seem “weird” for trying to talk about something. NT’s are so confusing. Especially when you are trying to figure out about what everybody else is talking about such as boyfriends or houses.
There are some people in my life that are nice to me and ask me how I am doing. This is a good thing for me because I can engage with this and say “I’m good” and continue on if I feel like it. Sometimes I find it hard to try to start a conversation with these people because if they are talking about something I don’t want to interrupt their conversations with others.
In addition to this, I sometimes run out of “spoons” because of my sensory isuses, anxiety, and trying to listen to conversations. I end up having to take small breaks and I have to ration my spoons. If I run out of “spoons” then I have to stop completely and go to a quieter space to rest.
I like to think of it this way. There are “social circles” in the world of NT’s. A “social circle” is a group of people that talk with each other often.So, the NT’s are socializing and having a good time, I am sitting processing what they are talking about. I try to think of something to talk about but I am blank. I fade in and out of the background while others talk. I wish that I could talk with somebody, because I am lonely, but I don’t know how to fit in like NT’s do.
This is what I struggle with socially as an Autistic person, I don’t “fit in”.
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