An Autistic’s struggle.

Inside my head, thoughts are constantly clashing and whirling,

I would like to talk,

but the words are stuck like glue in my mouth,

they cannot come out.

The voices in my head are screaming at me,

NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!! YOU DON’T FIT IN!!

I am having a meltdown, tears are streaming down my face, I feel like my chest is going to explode, I am simply overwhelmed,

Slowly, I can breathe again, the meltdown slowly subsides, I feel tired, the meltdown has taken up energy.

I want to stim, but I also want to fit in,

I don’t know what everybody’s reaction will be,

I want to flap my hands and rock, but will they accept me still?

I feel invisible because I cannot start a conversation,

Oh, if only it was easier!!

My sensory issues can make me feel miserable,

The shrieking sound of a siren,

The taste of an apple as it changes texture in my mouth,

The smell of oatmeal (*eeewww*),

The unexpected touch from a friend,

and the flickering of a fluorescent light that is driving me crazy.

People don’t see my struggle, they probably think I’m just quiet or shy,

But, I do want to interact!!

But, I don’t know how.

I try to plan the conversation in my head,

but it never works out.

I run out of spoons, and I become tired or agitated,

I must rest or sleep to recover my spoons.

I do not like change,

my routine is my friend,

my routine reduces anxiety.

If only I could have someone,

who I could just be with,

who would understand me,

accept me, and talk with me.

If only there was someone who could understand the struggles of an “Autistic”.

 

This is a poem I wrote about my struggles as an Autistic person.

 

photo credit: Send me adrift. <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/48220147@N07/8677083934″>Worn</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “An Autistic’s struggle.

  1. Thank you for sharing your poem. I wrote a meltdown poem of my own. Mine always start with sensory overload from noise. The self loathing & guilt comes later. I know it isn’t all my fault, the way insensitive people react, but it brings me down, having to live in a world full of so much prejudice and hatred against anything not considered “the norm”. If that’s the norm, then I don’t want to be part of it. I want not to have the sensory issues, but God may or may not see fit to help me remove them. I wish there was a “hearing loss aid”, where you could decrease the noise in increments until artificially deaf.

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    • My meltdowns start from anxiety, frustration, or sensory overload. My most common trigger is anxiety. 😦 I don’t like my sensory issues at times either, but I believe God created Autistic people for a reason, even if it is difficult to function in a noisy, non-understanding, changing world.

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