Anxiety and Autism, Prozac did not work for me

I have anxiety. I was put on Prozac (Fluoxetine) for my anxiety. My anxiety shows up in many different ways. I hate change, I am afraid of the dark, I have social anxiety, and I have obsessive compulsive behaviours. My compulsive behaviours include re-checking things constantly and making sure some things are correct, such as closing an open stair gate in the house. Sometimes I will get upsetting thoughts such as other family members getting hurt, or our barn catching on fire with my beloved horses inside of it.

Prozac did not work for me. This month I have had 6 anxiety attacks. My symptoms were shakiness, burning in chest and stomach, increased heart rate, tingling sensations, tight chest, and tight muscles. I also had suicidal thoughts from my anxiety and a huge meltdown. So yes, Prozac did not work for me. I was on Prozac for around 5 weeks.

My doctor decided to switch me to Zoloft. Zoloft is also a SSRI, but it is a little bit different than Prozac. I am starting out on a 25 mg dose to make sure I don’t react negatively to it. I am hoping the Zoloft will work with me. I will have to wait for four weeks to see if it works or not. Prozac didn’t work for me, but that does not mean that it cannot work for everyone. I know another family member who is on Prozac and is doing very well on it. Different individuals react differently to different types of medication.

Anxiety and Autism, it isn’t easy, but I will keep fighting.

Another Meltdown

Yesterday I had a meltdown.

I feel very agitated and anxious right now. This feeling slowly continues on. As I stand I feel the emotion rising inside of me, like a volcano erupting. I cannot stop it, this has to run its course. I cry uncontrollably, the tears streaming down my face, I try to hold back a scream, and I cannot. It escapes and I scream. I feel like I am drowning, and yet I am on land. My back aches from the strain of my crying. Slowly, it goes away and I can breathe again. I feel exhausted by this meltdown.

Meltdowns suck. Meltdowns feel like everything is spinning out of control. I fear that I will be judged if I have one in public. Neurotypicals sometimes don’t understand meltdowns. I cannot explain a meltdown very well to a Neurotypical either. A meltdown has to run its course, I have to let go and wait. Meltdowns happen, they are not totally preventable. I do not know what triggered this last meltdown, but I think it had to do with my anxiety and Prozac. My Prozac is not working out for me, it is making me feel worse so I am going to go see my Doctor again soon to talk about trying a different medication.

Autism meltdowns suck, but it’s ok. I know that it is just a part of being “Autistic”. I know that I can get through them. If you are Autistic and have meltdowns, it’s ok. Yes, I know they are horrible, but you can get through it.

 

 

 

On the outside looking in.

Words, so many words,

Exchanged between people,

Laughter, pause, more words.

 

Standing on the outside,

Observing all of these words,

So many different things are being talked about.

 

I go into another room,

The anxiety rises up inside of me,

The voice starts to scream and torture me,

I lay down to try to shut it out,

But my physical sensations make it impossible to shut out my anxiety.

 

At an event,

So much going on,

Music,

Vibrations,

Talking,

Cars going by.

 

I find a new friend,

A puppy,

The owner lets me snuggle with it.

 

The puppy sits in my lap,

I stroke its velvet soft fur,

I feel calmer now,

The world is less overwhelming.

 

I’m on the outside looking in,

Trying to observe,

How to do what neurotypicals do,

They make it look so easy,

I envy their skills.

 

Maybe someday it will be easier,

Maybe someday I will learn,

To talk, to laugh, to dance without fear,

And so I can be on the inside,

Instead of being on the outside looking in.