My struggle with unspecified anxiety disorder.

A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with unspecified anxiety disorder. The reason that I was diagnosed with this disorder is because my anxiety is very complicated. I have anxiety in social situations, Obsessive- compulsive like behaviors (worry, constant checking, routines, etc.), and I have panic attacks. I did not fit into the criteria for any anxiety disorder, so I was diagnosed with “unspecified” anxiety disorder.

My new SDiT (Service dog in training), Nikki can help me with my panic attacks. She can either do DPT with a treat offered or snuggle with me (which isn’t a task, but DPT is). This helps me when I am having a hard time with my anxiety or panic attacks. She is working on other tasks such as grounding, block, and cover. We haven’t gotten to anxiety alert and guide to exit yet.

Today has been sort of a hard day. Yesterday I had an emotional breakdown, and I was really struggling with my social anxiety

  • At doctor’s office:

Oh my gosh, my heart is pounding. I wish it would stop. Every muscle is tightening in my body, why am I feeling this way? This isn’t scary! I will be ok! Ugh, come on body! Calm down! Ugh, I hate this feeling.

  •  Walked into bathroom when they were waiting for the floor to dry on accident:

Oh my gosh! Why did I do that! I bet a lot of people saw that! What are they going to think of me? I bet they are going to think that I am so stupid. I wish I wasn’t so stupid!

  •  After reading upsetting text about a mistake a made:

(Crying on bed and snuggling with Nikki) Ugh, why did I do that! Social communication is so complicated, I’m always getting things wrong. I don’t want to communicate anymore, it’s too complicated. Why should I communicate when I’m just going to make mistakes and fail? What if the person is mad at me? What if the person mentions my mistake in front of others? Maybe I should stay home, so that I don’t cry in front of everyone or make a mistake.

 That is a peek inside my brain. I also have had my Zoloft increased to 50 mg, because the 25 mg was not working for my social anxiety. My doctor recommended increasing it to see if it will help in addition to Nikki. I haven’t felt a lot of side effects, except for feeling a bit shaky. I’m tired too, but they may have been because I had an emotional breakdown earlier today.

Sometimes I wish it wasn’t like this. I don’t know if it will ever get better or not. This is the  struggle I have with unspecified anxiety disorder.

 

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My new service dog in training.

On July the 8th 2017, I got my first dog. I adopted a border collie/lab mix named “Nikki”. That day was so exciting!

 

We are in the car. I am rocking back and forth because I am so excited, I am going to meet Nikki! This is soooo exciting! After waiting for what seemed like eternity to get to our destination, we finally pulled into the parking lot. I see a small black dog with a woman outside the building. We walk up, and it turns out to be Nikki! Nikki wags her tail excitedly. We decide to go inside, the woman, whose name is Liz, demonstrates some of the service dog tasks she has learned such as deep pressure therapy, block, and watch my back. I am hoping with all my heart that that I can take this sweet girl home. My mom asks about taking Nikki home. My heart flutters with excitement as the papers are filled out, and then we were out of the door and on the way home with Nikki. Later on that evening after a trip to PetSmart and Orange leaf, in which Nikki got a small amount of vanilla froyo, we headed home. That night she jumped onto my bed, she looked at me like “I am going to sleep on your bed with you, right??” So I let her sleep on my bed. At one point she came up beside me and licked my face, such a sweet dog. I think she is going to be a great service dog with more training.

 That was an exciting day. Nikki is learning how to sit, lay, and I am going to be teaching her come, stay, anxiety alert, and guiding through a crowd. Her vest, which we ordered today, is supposed to come on Wednesday. I am excited to start the process of training Nikki to be a service dog.

 

Lonely Girl

I wander around,

Looking at the groups of people,

Talking, laughing,

Smiles, frowns, hand movements.

I stand by, watching,

The conversation goes on,

I cannot find a way to enter,

I slowly walk away.

 

Another group,

Adults talking,

Can I fit in here?

The conversation keeps running,

Each person chipping in their part,

But I cannot find a way to be a part of their group,

And so I still search.

 

I find a group of girls,

Laughing, giggling, and chatting.

I would like to say something, but I cannot,

the words are stuck in my mouth,

Like glue is attached to my words,

So I still wander.

 

 

 

 

Will I ever find a place?

have a friend that I can talk too about my passions?

Horses,

Parelli,

Dogs,

Service dogs,

Vaulting,

Art,

And Autism.

 

Sometimes the loneliness creeps in,

And I cry silently on the inside,

And sometimes the tears start dripping on the outside,

Slowly making wet lines down my face,

I wander “Will I always feel this way?”

Because I just want someone to be with,

To fill the gap of loneliness that I feel.

 

Someday I hope,

I will have friends,

A group that I can fit into,

So that I don’t feel lonely anymore.

 

 

 

A poem about lonliness and anxiety written by an Autistic person.

 

❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️❤️️

🙍🙍🙍🙁🙁😢😢

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would like to get a service dog, here’s why

Lately I have been wanting my own service dog. I would like to get a puppy, and train it to be a service dog. So, why do I want a service dog? Well, I love dogs. I have always loved dogs since I was very small. I used to collect stuffed dogs, from poodles to Chihuahua’s.  I also work with a dog in a small dog club. I like doing rally courses and showmanship. It is fun, and challenges me to use problem solving when my dog doesn’t do something right or if I make a mistake.

I also like dogs because they are very calming to me. Petting a dog can make me feel a lot calmer. In my last vaulting performance, I had the opportunity to snuggle with an adorable Sussex spaniel puppy. His fur was super soft and I loved stroking his fur and holding him in my lap. I felt calmer as I stroked the puppy’s fur and my sensory processing seemed to be less noticeable, as I often hear every sound and sometimes get overwhelmed by sound.

I also have anxiety/panic attacks. Although I do not know if I am truly having panic attacks, but I do have symptoms including tight chest, sweaty palms, increased heart rate, irregular heartbeat, shakiness, stomachache, burning in stomach and chest, tinging in hands, arms, legs, and feet, and sometimes difficulty breathing easily. All of these symptoms do not happen with each attack either, sometimes they are combined, and sometimes they are not.

These can make me feel very uncomfortable. One I had made me feel like I was dying, because my chest was so tight, and my stomach was hurting, and my heart rate was up. I felt like my whole body was going crazy on the inside. I can act pretty normal on the outside, even though on the inside my body is going nuts with anxiety.

Service dogs can help with anxiety by doing anxiety alerts, DPT (deep pressure therapy), guiding to an exit, getting help, etc. Service dogs can also help with autistic people with sensory processing difficulties and meltdowns. One autistic individual I read about found it easier to communicate to people with her service dog by her side.

I think a service dog would help me a lot. Although I am on Zoloft, It does not completely prevent anxiety/panic attacks. It has helped some, but it does not “cure” my anxiety. My mentor likes to think of medication as the foundation for working on your anxiety, if you have a firm foundation, then you can find it easier to work on your anxiety. I wasn’t put on medication for a long time, and even before going onto medication my therapist and I discussed whether or not it would be beneficial to me.

I hope someday that I can get a dog of my own to train as my own service dog. I know it would take a lot of time and effort, but I am willing to do that. I encourage anyone interested in a service dog to look into getting a service dog, or training one of their own. Service dogs are great dogs, they can help so many people with many different issues feel happier, safer, and more confident.