The Painful truth about being an autistic adult.

The painful truth about being an autistic adult is that I struggle,

Others don’t understand how much I struggle, if I’m having ameltdown, it is considered to be a “Tantrum”, “Stop crying!”, “You can help it!” I plead with them “Please, just let me have space!” but I’m not allowed to leave the situation because it’s considered “Rude” and “You need to stay till the end”. Once I’m allowed to leave, I go up to my room and curl up into a ball and hyperventilate, all I can do is feel the anxiety taking over my body, and I have no control over it, it’s scary. My back becomes painfully sore from breathing so fast and so hard. My eyes turn red from all the crying, my throat becomes sore, and tears drip silently down my face.

I have to go to Costco. I’m not allowed to bring Nikki, my autism assistance dog because we are shopping and “She will get in the way”, “She’ll shed in the car”. (Nikki sheds but she does get brushed and does have baths). As I go into Costco I become overwhelmed by all the sensory stimuli, my vision starts to blur and zoom in and out, I start to feel that disconnected feeling. I am able to *tolerate* the trip, but it leaves me feeling anxious. All I could feel during the trip was being overwhelmed, all the people moving, carts rattling, bakery equipment beeping, checkout scanners beeping, people talking, all the TV’s with same settings playing, it’s all so overwhelming.

“Oh you’re high functioning”, my nephew he is much lower functioning then you”. I hate being labeled. I HATE it. I may appear to be “high functioning” in the view of Neurotypicals. But I’m not high functioning when I’m having severe anxiety, I’m not high functioning when I am in a meltdown from anxiety chemicals being too high, I am not high functioning when I am so overwhelmed by sensory stimuli that I have to retreat to a quiet spot.

When my little sister asks “What is autism” it’s explained in high functioning and low functioning terms.

When I try to explain that something hurts my ears, others laugh

When I say I have anxiety, I get “You don’t look like you are anxious”.

Sometimes when I am in a social situation I can’t talk, or I don’t know how to start small talk with someone. And I start feeling alone, but at the same time I don’t know how to fit into the social conversations.

The painful truth about being an autistic adult is that at times, you will struggle, at time you will feel terribly alone, but even though I go through this, I will not give up. I am stronger than the stigma surrounding autism.