Emotional Memories and the People connected to it

It all started simple enough. I said “I am autistic” to someone who I thought I could trust. Everything started out fine, we all got along, then after a while things started to go downhill. When I rocked in my chair because stimming feels good and helped me cope with my anxiety before I got my autism assistance dog, She said to me “Do we need to go to a mental hospital”, I didn’t understand a situation and because of my black and white thinking and social anxiety I didn’t show her a project because she had said to bring it, but didn’t mention it and kept talking with the other adults. I thought “I’d better not interrupt” and kept quiet. When she realized I hadn’t shown her the project, she became angry. She said “You’re using your autism/disability as an excuse.” This hurt. I didn’t understand.

The downhill spiral continued as I would talk about my sensory struggles and how tiring it was to bear with them. She acted irritated, “Stop complaining about your issues!” I learned to not complain and hide my discomfort. Even if my ears were ringing with pain. Her daughter also became more toxic as time went on, to the point of whispering very loudly “Stop shaking your head!” when I was having a motor tic moment when a camara flash went off. The flow of laughter coming from her mouth and other’s when I startled at a loud noise, not warned before it would happen by others, I jumped. “You sprayed dust all over your dog!” (This was when I was in dog 4H) “Hahahahah”

She kept criticizing me, and her daughter joined in. “You’re not having a panic attack!” “Sit up!” she criticized me so much I had anxiety before almost every class, what was she going to criticize me about today? Was I going to get in trouble? I want to get out of here. Finally my classes with her ended. I was so relieved to get out of that situation. Then the text came, she wanted me to come help groom some of her animals. I tried saying I didn’t want to go, but others insisted. “We already told her you would like to do that” “You need to learn to work out issues between you and others”.

As I prepared to leave, I measured my HR and It was climbing fast, 100 bpm, 110 bpm, 120 bpm, a sense of doom surrounded me, I started having tingling in my hands and feet, and then that slow tense feeling came over me, I started feeling sick to my stomach. As I climbed into the car, that feeling continued. When I was dropped off, she greeted me “Hello! How are you?” I stood there frozen, not knowing what to say. I managed a very quiet “Hi”. I started shaking then and felt like I was dying, she sensed my anxiety and asked “What’s wrong?” I said “I’m anxious” and she asked “Why” and I replied “Because of something in the past”. She asked “What in the past?” and I said “In the past you said I was using my disability as an excuse”. She expression changed, her eyes narrowed, suddenly I could feel the negative energy. She replied “I never said that, I’m surprised at your attitude, I guess you don’t want to help.” She asked why I came and I said “Because others wanted me too” She said “Well thanks! I haven’t talked to you in months!” Well maybe I hadn’t talked to her because I was busy making new friendships and maybe it was because I didn’t want to because of memories of the past. The car came and I went home, I cried all the way home. Others got upset with me “You need to get over this!!” All I could do was shake and cry. It took the rest of the day to recover from that. Since then I am not in contact with her or her daughter anymore. Any time I see her out in public I have a feeling of complete anxiety over my body, my heart starts racing, my muscles tense up, and I want to hide. I was at a voting poll and she was there, I was behind the cardboard at the desk filling out my voting ballot, I heard her voice, my heart started pounding, and my stomach tightened, as she passed me I felt tension all over. Once I was done with the ballot I quickly put it through the machine and searched for the nearest exit. Once I was out I felt somewhat better.

To sum this up, once an autistic person has had negative memories, they never go away. And if enough damage is done, it will cause fear and mistrust of others. Be gentle with autistic people, we are trying.

My struggle with unspecified anxiety disorder.

A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with unspecified anxiety disorder. The reason that I was diagnosed with this disorder is because my anxiety is very complicated. I have anxiety in social situations, Obsessive- compulsive like behaviors (worry, constant checking, routines, etc.), and I have panic attacks. I did not fit into the criteria for any anxiety disorder, so I was diagnosed with “unspecified” anxiety disorder.

My new SDiT (Service dog in training), Nikki can help me with my panic attacks. She can either do DPT with a treat offered or snuggle with me (which isn’t a task, but DPT is). This helps me when I am having a hard time with my anxiety or panic attacks. She is working on other tasks such as grounding, block, and cover. We haven’t gotten to anxiety alert and guide to exit yet.

Today has been sort of a hard day. Yesterday I had an emotional breakdown, and I was really struggling with my social anxiety

• At doctor’s office:

Oh my gosh, my heart is pounding. I wish it would stop. Every muscle is tightening in my body, why am I feeling this way? This isn’t scary! I will be ok! Ugh, come on body! Calm down! Ugh, I hate this feeling.

•  Walked into bathroom when they were waiting for the floor to dry on accident:

Oh my gosh! Why did I do that! I bet a lot of people saw that! What are they going to think of me? I bet they are going to think that I am so stupid. I wish I wasn’t so stupid!

•  After reading upsetting text about a mistake a made:

(Crying on bed and snuggling with Nikki) Ugh, why did I do that! Social communication is so complicated, I’m always getting things wrong. I don’t want to communicate anymore, it’s too complicated. Why should I communicate when I’m just going to make mistakes and fail? What if the person is mad at me? What if the person mentions my mistake in front of others? Maybe I should stay home, so that I don’t cry in front of everyone or make a mistake.

 That is a peek inside my brain. I also have had my Zoloft increased to 50 mg, because the 25 mg was not working for my social anxiety. My doctor recommended increasing it to see if it will help in addition to Nikki. I haven’t felt a lot of side effects, except for feeling a bit shaky. I’m tired too, but they may have been because I had an emotional breakdown earlier today.

Sometimes I wish it wasn’t like this. I don’t know if it will ever get better or not. This is the  struggle I have with unspecified anxiety disorder.

 

My new service dog in training.

On July the 8^th 2017, I got my first dog. I adopted a border collie/lab mix named “Nikki”. That day was so exciting!

 

We are in the car. I am rocking back and forth because I am so excited, I am going to meet Nikki! This is soooo exciting! After waiting for what seemed like eternity to get to our destination, we finally pulled into the parking lot. I see a small black dog with a woman outside the building. We walk up, and it turns out to be Nikki! Nikki wags her tail excitedly. We decide to go inside, the woman, whose name is Liz, demonstrates some of the service dog tasks she has learned such as deep pressure therapy, block, and watch my back. I am hoping with all my heart that that I can take this sweet girl home. My mom asks about taking Nikki home. My heart flutters with excitement as the papers are filled out, and then we were out of the door and on the way home with Nikki. Later on that evening after a trip to PetSmart and Orange leaf, in which Nikki got a small amount of vanilla froyo, we headed home. That night she jumped onto my bed, she looked at me like “I am going to sleep on your bed with you, right??” So I let her sleep on my bed. At one point she came up beside me and licked my face, such a sweet dog. I think she is going to be a great service dog with more training.

 That was an exciting day. Nikki is learning how to sit, lay, and I am going to be teaching her come, stay, anxiety alert, and guiding through a crowd. Her vest, which we ordered today, is supposed to come on Wednesday. I am excited to start the process of training Nikki to be a service dog.

 

Beautiful yet flawed, my inner self.

Red hair,

Fair skin,

Freckles,

Brown eyes,

Long legs.

I am beautiful,

But flawed at the same time.

 

Artistic,

Creative,

Good with animals,

But flawed.

 

I have scars that won’t seem to fade,

The tears slowly drip down my face,

I always seem to be making mistakes,

And being criticized,

For being the person I am.

 

I am tired of feeling lonely,

Where the darkness seems to be my friend,

I am tired of panic attacks,

That try to steal away my breath,

I am tired of anxiety,

That whispers and screams in my head,

I’m tired of the demons,

That have made a home inside my head.

 

The demons,

They are there,

Waiting patiently,

To pounce on my mistakes,

To catch me when I’m down,

They whisper I’m not worth it,

They whisper I’m a mistake,

And they silently cheer when I start going under.

 

I start slipping,

All of my progress seems like nothing,

I feel alone,

I start sinking,

Slowly into the depths.

 

All the pain that I have experienced,

Seems to never fade,

They are my scars, my battle wounds,

The cracks that remind me,

Bullying,

Mistakes,

Failure.

 

I am beautiful, yet flawed,

Because I am these things,

I wish the pain would fade away,

I wish the demons would be quiet,

I wish I could be good enough,

Will I ever be?

 

 

A poem written by an Autistic individual.