Another Meltdown

Yesterday I had a meltdown.

I feel very agitated and anxious right now. This feeling slowly continues on. As I stand I feel the emotion rising inside of me, like a volcano erupting. I cannot stop it, this has to run its course. I cry uncontrollably, the tears streaming down my face, I try to hold back a scream, and I cannot. It escapes and I scream. I feel like I am drowning, and yet I am on land. My back aches from the strain of my crying. Slowly, it goes away and I can breathe again. I feel exhausted by this meltdown.

Meltdowns suck. Meltdowns feel like everything is spinning out of control. I fear that I will be judged if I have one in public. Neurotypicals sometimes don’t understand meltdowns. I cannot explain a meltdown very well to a Neurotypical either. A meltdown has to run its course, I have to let go and wait. Meltdowns happen, they are not totally preventable. I do not know what triggered this last meltdown, but I think it had to do with my anxiety and Prozac. My Prozac is not working out for me, it is making me feel worse so I am going to go see my Doctor again soon to talk about trying a different medication.

Autism meltdowns suck, but it’s ok. I know that it is just a part of being “Autistic”. I know that I can get through them. If you are Autistic and have meltdowns, it’s ok. Yes, I know they are horrible, but you can get through it.

 

 

 

On the outside looking in.

Words, so many words,

Exchanged between people,

Laughter, pause, more words.

 

Standing on the outside,

Observing all of these words,

So many different things are being talked about.

 

I go into another room,

The anxiety rises up inside of me,

The voice starts to scream and torture me,

I lay down to try to shut it out,

But my physical sensations make it impossible to shut out my anxiety.

 

At an event,

So much going on,

Music,

Vibrations,

Talking,

Cars going by.

 

I find a new friend,

A puppy,

The owner lets me snuggle with it.

 

The puppy sits in my lap,

I stroke its velvet soft fur,

I feel calmer now,

The world is less overwhelming.

 

I’m on the outside looking in,

Trying to observe,

How to do what neurotypicals do,

They make it look so easy,

I envy their skills.

 

Maybe someday it will be easier,

Maybe someday I will learn,

To talk, to laugh, to dance without fear,

And so I can be on the inside,

Instead of being on the outside looking in.

 

 

 

Calming the storm within

Fire, burning in my stomach and chest,

My heart beats louder and faster,

My body starts to tremble,

The anxiety is taking hold,

With sharp claws digging into me,

And its voice shrieking in my head.

 

My chest is tight, the burning pain continues,

I want to escape from this terrible feeling,

I need to calm the storm within me.

 

Close my eyes,

Listen to the calming words,

Breathe,

Focus,

Slow breathing, controlled,

Focus again,

Be in the present moment.

 

The minutes tick by,

The anxiety starts to fade away,

I am feeling much better now.

Anxiety is losing its grip,

The claws are slipping off,

I have relief for now.

I have to try to fight with my weapons,

To calm the storm within.