What an anxiety attack feels like for me.

I have anxiety. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks. Lately, I have been having anxiety attacks more often. Anxiety attacks feel horrible. My anxiety attacks usually have a trigger, and sometimes they come out of the blue. Here is what an anxiety attack feels like for me

 

My heart is beating faster, why am I feeling this way? My chest feels heavy and tight. My stomach is burning with pain, and the burning sensation is in my chest too. I feel shaky, alone, scared. There are voices around me, it is chaotic sound to me. The voices grow louder, I close my eyes to try to shut it out, this feeling continues on and on, I want relief, but I cannot have it, I have to wait for this feeling to pass.

 

One of the most frustrating things about having anxiety attacks is that other family members and friends cannot understand what it feels like. Sometimes they deny it too. I am afraid that this will happen out in public. What if I have an anxiety attack at vaulting? What if I have an anxiety attack at dog club? What if it goes into a full-blown panic attack? What if, if if…..

I wish that anxiety was not so hard to deal with. It is a monster that I have to battle with daily. I have found meditation to be helpful for providing some relief from my anxiety. I am not sure if my medication (Prozac) is working. I hope it works soon, I hate this feeling, I want to feel positive, I want to feel calm. Anxiety is stealing my voice and causing me pain.

 

Sinking and rising.

My anxiety attacks,

Feeling nauseated,

Increased heart rate,

Burning pain in my stomach and chest.

 

Shakiness,

Fear,

Chaos in my head.

 

It’s a voice screaming in my head,

“You suck!”

“You can’t do this!”

“Everybody hates you!”

 

I feel overwhelmed by sound,

I hear every sound,

Every pitch,

All at once.

 

I am in sensory overload,

The flashing bright lights are like lasers to my eyes,

I am feeling tired,

So tired,

Drained of my energy,

It’s too much.

 

Meltdown,

Feeling like I want to scream,

Tight chest,

Tears,

Chaos.

 

Sometimes I feel very close to others,

And sometimes I do not,

Sometimes I start sinking,

Away from my friends and family members,

anxious and alone.

 

At some point, I start feeling better again, more confident, calmer,

I rise again,

But then a bad thing happens,

And I sink once again.

 

 

A poem I wrote about my struggles as an Autistic person and my anxiety.

Adventures of an Autistic with Anxiety- update.

 

Today marks the 10th day that I have been on Prozac. Yesterday I had a really great day, I felt really positive and barely had any negative feelings or physical anxiety symptoms. I actually looked forwards to going to my choir practice, and I usually am nervous and have physical symptoms and negative thoughts during the practice.

Today is ok, I’m not super happy, but I’m not having a whole lot of negative thoughts or physical anxiety symptoms. In addition to my Prozac I go to a Therapist once a week, and I record my mood and thoughts on Pacifica, an app for anxiety and depression. Pacifica also has breathing exercises, meditation exercises, muscle relaxation exercises, and a community where you can post things about anxiety, health, etc.

So, today I’m breathing. Even if there is change, I will try to breathe. Anxiety may be difficult to deal with, but anxiety won’t stop me.

To any Autistic females feeling ignored by Autism Speaks “Light it up blue”.

Autism speaks, A well-known, big Autism organization promotes “light it up blue” during April. Autism is supposedly more prevalent in males. But, it does not mean that Autistic females do not exist. Everything blue, blue, blue. Blue buildings, blue shirts, blue socks, blue cookies, etc.

What if instead of lighting it up blue we lighted it up pink and blue? Or if we lighted it up rainbow to symbolize both male and female Autistic people? We need to consider this. Autistic females have the same struggles as males. We struggle with things such as communication, sensory issues, literal thinking, managing emotions, anxiety, depression, etc.

We exist, you may not see us, but we exist. I struggled as an Autistic female until I was diagnosed a couple years ago. I was bullied, excluded, lacked social skills, and I had sensory issues. I never fit into the “social circles”. I still struggle with many things today.

So please, pay attention to both Autistic males and females. Instead of lighting it up blue, please use rainbow colors, pink, or red to symbolize both genders. We need to stop “Lighting it up blue”. Autism speaks may be improving with their change of not seeking a “cure” for Autism. But, “Lighting it up blue” does not help Autistic females.